Dead end posted on Escape Lane
Destination Blvd isn't very beautiful
The darkness on Lighthouse Ave
Disease, fear, loss, and separation
The strobe lights that guide our ships
The waves the perfect height
Salt in our wounds
Expands and heals
We are called to enjoy the ride
Attached to nonattachment
The safety ring thrown overboard
The anchor comes untethered
The weak sink, the strong swim, the empowered float
The content walk, the achievers run, the enlightened are still
The sun still rises
The moon holds back no surprises
Unimpressed by expectations
Suffering in stillness
Thriving through suffering
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Ride On
I've been here before
The same old dance to a broken record
A cage of insecurity
The fear of untapped potential
A knight in shining armor
riding on a bridge called Despair
Blessed to be a vessel of divinity
Enslaved to my untapped soul
We repeat what we don't repair
The touch of a button
The fire escape
The trampoline at the bottom awaits
Creativity surmounts
Overthinking ensues
Canceling out intuition
Burning up inside the building
The same old dance to a broken record
A cage of insecurity
The fear of untapped potential
A knight in shining armor
riding on a bridge called Despair
Blessed to be a vessel of divinity
Enslaved to my untapped soul
We repeat what we don't repair
The touch of a button
The fire escape
The trampoline at the bottom awaits
Creativity surmounts
Overthinking ensues
Canceling out intuition
Burning up inside the building
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Whip-poor-will Moments
Lying on our back, faces skyward
The stars the grand staff of the Whip-poor-will's melody
The vastness the endless opportunity within reach
Our hunger not fully satiated
Two hours of maternal drumming vibrations
Energy released from ancestors
The $90 Dining Experience
An hour of wine and tastes so complex
Universal simplicities of the Human Condition
Feasted upon, opened and exposed with each bite
Nudging us forward into
The Space, the Gap, the Collective
Judgement teases acceptance
Forgiveness enriches trust
Sweetness dances with bitterness
Togetherness and loneliness intertwined
A large picnic table inviting company
A scratchy lounge chair softened with a friend nearby
The cool air and the cat's sharp teeth bite my leg
Bringing me back to the present
A shooting star exploding
Propelled forward by fear as exhaust
Pain released, closer.
The stars the grand staff of the Whip-poor-will's melody
The vastness the endless opportunity within reach
Our hunger not fully satiated
Two hours of maternal drumming vibrations
Energy released from ancestors
The $90 Dining Experience
An hour of wine and tastes so complex
Universal simplicities of the Human Condition
Feasted upon, opened and exposed with each bite
Nudging us forward into
The Space, the Gap, the Collective
Judgement teases acceptance
Forgiveness enriches trust
Sweetness dances with bitterness
Togetherness and loneliness intertwined
A large picnic table inviting company
A scratchy lounge chair softened with a friend nearby
The cool air and the cat's sharp teeth bite my leg
Bringing me back to the present
A shooting star exploding
Propelled forward by fear as exhaust
Pain released, closer.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
The Waiting Game
The spot line shines
Selfishness center stage
Self-preservation
Maturity sacrificed
Insecurity in what I can provide my off-spring
Needing, loathing, screaming, yearning
Burning desire for more
Desperation and compassion wanting to
Soothe another's suffering
Co-dependent's miserable companion
Depressed, angry, frustrated, confused, impatient
Just waiting
Breathe.
Selfishness center stage
Self-preservation
Maturity sacrificed
Insecurity in what I can provide my off-spring
Needing, loathing, screaming, yearning
Burning desire for more
Desperation and compassion wanting to
Soothe another's suffering
Co-dependent's miserable companion
Depressed, angry, frustrated, confused, impatient
Just waiting
Breathe.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Melt-Off
I hear the stream return to the frozen lake.
My eyes follow the curved and rocky path the water takes.
The sun's rays excite my pupils.
The cool air icing on my ears like a glazed donut.
Harsh times signal a new season
The crumbling and rebuilding of a marriage,
The 35 years of buried abandonment,
Loss of my father, Grandfather, husband, and a brother
But Mother Earth has my back
Compassion for those suffering from attachment
Attachment to substance, highs and lows
The thinning edges of the ice, receding
Soggy ground peeking through
The pathway I walk becomes more apparent
Some edges remain razor sharp, some thick and strong
The sharpened ones prepared to break away
The thick and strong, absorb the shock, resisting despite my efforts to stomp on them
Each day more sunlight hits the layers underneath
Unearthing what's been there, waiting all winter
More absorbent than dormant
Gaining vital substance from the layers weighing them down all winter.
Waiting to expose itself, revitalized.
Let us not forget we are the Earth,
to there we will return.
Experience the growth of each season
Just like Mother Earth
provides a refuge.
My eyes follow the curved and rocky path the water takes.
The sun's rays excite my pupils.
The cool air icing on my ears like a glazed donut.
Harsh times signal a new season
The crumbling and rebuilding of a marriage,
The 35 years of buried abandonment,
Loss of my father, Grandfather, husband, and a brother
But Mother Earth has my back
Compassion for those suffering from attachment
Attachment to substance, highs and lows
The thinning edges of the ice, receding
Soggy ground peeking through
The pathway I walk becomes more apparent
Some edges remain razor sharp, some thick and strong
The sharpened ones prepared to break away
The thick and strong, absorb the shock, resisting despite my efforts to stomp on them
Each day more sunlight hits the layers underneath
Unearthing what's been there, waiting all winter
More absorbent than dormant
Gaining vital substance from the layers weighing them down all winter.
Waiting to expose itself, revitalized.
Let us not forget we are the Earth,
to there we will return.
Experience the growth of each season
Just like Mother Earth
provides a refuge.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Triple D's
I wouldn't wish a deployment upon anyone just as I wouldn't wish death or divorce (triple threat), but for one really twisted aspect, they all are connected. if you know what I mean. It has been a very refreshing experience living away from the USAF and somewhere I have chosen on my own. With that being said, I love WF, MT so much that I have to keep fighting that dreaded thought of picking up and relocating next summer. People don't like to divulge too much about this place because it's that special. Popular t-shirts that tell people to dualistically "Take a Hike" can be spotted frequently in town. People are free-spirited; women without make-up, unshaven legs, and bras stepping away from the unwritten confines placed upon them in many other places I've lived. It very much reminds me of living in Norway which is probably why I'm drawn to this community. It's small, people are outdoors, and there's always something going on in town. Civic activities like theater, donation and volunteer driven hiking trails, and supporting local businesses adds to the bolstering pride of the community. There are no big commercialized businesses, all locally owned mom and pop places. I have a very leisurely part time job, the kids love their public school and have adjusted well, we are beginning to make friends, and O is taking electric guitar lessons at a non-profit music school.
Despite being in this physical utopia, I'm trying to align the mental and emotional struggles that come with this forced marriage separation. I've discovered a lot of my true nature apart from my hubs which has been quite a humbling yet much-needed experience. Our marriage has grown in tremendous ways that I know can only be attributed to some higher power at work. After spending the last 16 years together, these enlightening moments of marital growth still impress me. I am constantly in awe of the ways in which life and our love for one another unfolds. I sit here in this beautiful mountain lake setting, early morning fog spread across the lake, sun cast through the trees, kids all out of the house, sipping on a delicious loose leaf tea, and in this moment can truly say, I am so thankful for the opportunity to be here at this juncture of deployed life. The irony is that opposing emotions are heightened when allowed to co-exist. I can be lonely yet embrace learning how to be by myself. I can feel frustration doing it alone but reap the self-satisfaction of independence. I can allow the heartache to expand into the space for love, trust, and grace.
Despite being in this physical utopia, I'm trying to align the mental and emotional struggles that come with this forced marriage separation. I've discovered a lot of my true nature apart from my hubs which has been quite a humbling yet much-needed experience. Our marriage has grown in tremendous ways that I know can only be attributed to some higher power at work. After spending the last 16 years together, these enlightening moments of marital growth still impress me. I am constantly in awe of the ways in which life and our love for one another unfolds. I sit here in this beautiful mountain lake setting, early morning fog spread across the lake, sun cast through the trees, kids all out of the house, sipping on a delicious loose leaf tea, and in this moment can truly say, I am so thankful for the opportunity to be here at this juncture of deployed life. The irony is that opposing emotions are heightened when allowed to co-exist. I can be lonely yet embrace learning how to be by myself. I can feel frustration doing it alone but reap the self-satisfaction of independence. I can allow the heartache to expand into the space for love, trust, and grace.
Why Didn't You Tell Me
Why didn’t you tell me that I should invest in cucumber gel eye pads? Don’t forget to add: kleenex, warm fuzzy socks, and a teddy bear to your shopping list. My tears stream down my cheeks and my nose runs but then it refuses to run and is stopped up. The pressure builds behind my eyes, my body traps the tears and snot, making it difficult to breathe. My feet wonder aimlessly seeking his warmth. I toss and turn seeking out his chest to wrap my arm around in bed. When someone dies deploys you grieve. I fear it's the next closest thing to dying. I remember my friend who lost her husband too soon to cancer stating the difficulty she had going through her husband’s clothes. His smell still on them. They hang there weighing the hangars down.
My heart hangs, like a rose past its prime, shriveled up and weepy, dropping petals one by one. I see his bathroom towel and don’t want to remove it. I take comfort in resisting; deleting reminders makes it more permanent. But what about all those ladies that have it far worse? The pregnant ones, the sick ones, the ones without much money, the ones with loved ones in harms way, or separated for much longer amounts of time, those whose loved ones come back changed physically, mentally, or not at all. How can I lie in my bed feeling alone in my sorrow when there’s so many of us going through the same or much worse? I’ll tell you why. I’m suffering. My kids are suffering. We miss that man so much that we do everything we can to avoid feeling the pain of missing him. We eat too much, drink too much, smoke too much, cry too much, retail therapy too much, schedule too many activities, expect family to understand too much, complain too much, isolate ourselves too much, fake happiness too much. Running away from pain. What we really can’t fill is the void that is him.
My heart hangs, like a rose past its prime, shriveled up and weepy, dropping petals one by one. I see his bathroom towel and don’t want to remove it. I take comfort in resisting; deleting reminders makes it more permanent. But what about all those ladies that have it far worse? The pregnant ones, the sick ones, the ones without much money, the ones with loved ones in harms way, or separated for much longer amounts of time, those whose loved ones come back changed physically, mentally, or not at all. How can I lie in my bed feeling alone in my sorrow when there’s so many of us going through the same or much worse? I’ll tell you why. I’m suffering. My kids are suffering. We miss that man so much that we do everything we can to avoid feeling the pain of missing him. We eat too much, drink too much, smoke too much, cry too much, retail therapy too much, schedule too many activities, expect family to understand too much, complain too much, isolate ourselves too much, fake happiness too much. Running away from pain. What we really can’t fill is the void that is him.
What we really need to do is stay a little while with the feelings, exchange this facade of strength for the strength that comes when we face our fear of emotional pain. Then arise each day, giving thanks for this life of freedom, convenience, health and safety.
Be aware of the loneliness, frustrations, uncertainties. Acknowledge the emotion, then let it go. We need to share our stories with one another. We need to face fear in the face. We need to get closer to God. We need to reach out and help the hurting.
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