Why didn’t you tell me that I should invest in cucumber gel eye pads? Don’t forget to add: kleenex, warm fuzzy socks, and a teddy bear to your shopping list. My tears stream down my cheeks and my nose runs but then it refuses to run and is stopped up. The pressure builds behind my eyes, my body traps the tears and snot, making it difficult to breathe. My feet wonder aimlessly seeking his warmth. I toss and turn seeking out his chest to wrap my arm around in bed. When someone dies deploys you grieve. I fear it's the next closest thing to dying. I remember my friend who lost her husband too soon to cancer stating the difficulty she had going through her husband’s clothes. His smell still on them. They hang there weighing the hangars down.
My heart hangs, like a rose past its prime, shriveled up and weepy, dropping petals one by one. I see his bathroom towel and don’t want to remove it. I take comfort in resisting; deleting reminders makes it more permanent. But what about all those ladies that have it far worse? The pregnant ones, the sick ones, the ones without much money, the ones with loved ones in harms way, or separated for much longer amounts of time, those whose loved ones come back changed physically, mentally, or not at all. How can I lie in my bed feeling alone in my sorrow when there’s so many of us going through the same or much worse? I’ll tell you why. I’m suffering. My kids are suffering. We miss that man so much that we do everything we can to avoid feeling the pain of missing him. We eat too much, drink too much, smoke too much, cry too much, retail therapy too much, schedule too many activities, expect family to understand too much, complain too much, isolate ourselves too much, fake happiness too much. Running away from pain. What we really can’t fill is the void that is him.
My heart hangs, like a rose past its prime, shriveled up and weepy, dropping petals one by one. I see his bathroom towel and don’t want to remove it. I take comfort in resisting; deleting reminders makes it more permanent. But what about all those ladies that have it far worse? The pregnant ones, the sick ones, the ones without much money, the ones with loved ones in harms way, or separated for much longer amounts of time, those whose loved ones come back changed physically, mentally, or not at all. How can I lie in my bed feeling alone in my sorrow when there’s so many of us going through the same or much worse? I’ll tell you why. I’m suffering. My kids are suffering. We miss that man so much that we do everything we can to avoid feeling the pain of missing him. We eat too much, drink too much, smoke too much, cry too much, retail therapy too much, schedule too many activities, expect family to understand too much, complain too much, isolate ourselves too much, fake happiness too much. Running away from pain. What we really can’t fill is the void that is him.
What we really need to do is stay a little while with the feelings, exchange this facade of strength for the strength that comes when we face our fear of emotional pain. Then arise each day, giving thanks for this life of freedom, convenience, health and safety.
Be aware of the loneliness, frustrations, uncertainties. Acknowledge the emotion, then let it go. We need to share our stories with one another. We need to face fear in the face. We need to get closer to God. We need to reach out and help the hurting.
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