I am refreshed. I fell asleep at 7:30PM last night to be wide awake at 3:30AM. I love my time. It's before everyone is awake and I get single, uninterrupted, and focused time doing me things. Like reading, writing, planning schedules, prepping for the day, drinking coffee, meditating, praying, breathing without any noise or interruption. I'm so thankful for a fresh start every day.
I am frustrated, angry, and impatient. My children don't move as fast as I want them to. It takes them hearing me raise my voice to a level we all get uncomfortable with for them to respond. But that's not working so I'll try spankings. Next time. Failure. Stressed.
I am joyed.
I am bored. I wish I could just replace my dying batteries most days as I sing "roll it and pat it" with a try-to-pretend-I'm-happy smile on my face because singing Pat-a-cake stone faced just doesn't work. She looks back at me with her beautiful brown eyes and chubby cheeked smile and the notes slides off my tongue as I find the juice to sing Pat-a-cake one more time on cue to her sign for "more". I wipe the sticky syrup off her tray and hands and unbuckle her nasty high chair buckle that's been sealed with more food concoctions than the garbage disposal has seen. I notice that she has pancake stuck to her pj's but it flows into getting dressed for the day and for this moment of ease of flow of events I am thankful.
I am lonely. She is asleep and I've not yet hit my wall. That will come at 2:30 when I have all three children home. For now I just write so that I can share my inner dialogue with someone without having to leave my home, clean up my home, or think about what's for dinner. Sometimes I just nibble on some peanut butter m&m's that I should not have bought and then reach for one more and it's gone. Gone like my husband. Again. I am lonely.
I am tired.
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