Silky Edged Blanket

She was my constant
My alpha and omega
Her skin soft and silky glided between my fingers
When I was alone, afraid, nervous, or unsettled
When the world around me was tumultuous
She helped me weather the storms
When He wasn't there to hold me
She wrapped and held me tightly
She wiped my tears away and kissed my boo-boos
She gave me super powers
I could take on the world with her by my side

We danced, we fantasized of the life undiscovered before me
She cushioned all the hard and scratchy edges
She supported me like a strong foundation
She was the magic carpet that I would ride to escape to my secret world
She was a saddle, a pillow, a cradle for my babies
She way my satin angel in white
She was Heaven on Earth
She was my first love
She showed me how to love unconditionally
If I stepped on her or dropped her she still showed up
She never held grudges if I left her untouched for days
She would always find me even if I misplaced her

Then too prematurely like the death of a loved one,
She was gone
I trusted her and just this one time she let me down
She slipped away leaving me exposed, now my edges tattered like hers
My childlike innocence came unfolded
She was stolen by my mom's new security blanket
He said I was too old to cry
Too old to hold and be loved by something so benign
His fear became my mistrust
In her absence, I erected an invisible wall
To shield me from the pain
To protect me while I learned to grow wings
To be brave enough to fly above the wall
To sit on the other side with the pain

Young Girl

She was a young girl
Who only wanted her daddy's love
Her pain packed up in suitcases
Hidden in closets so she could please her mama

Her mama loved her
But suffered because he could not love her
The same way he could not love this young girl
His pain packed up in bottles
Just trying to fight for his own way

She was a young girl
Just trying to call him Daddy
She wanted him to hug her, dance and bask in her presence
And teach him how this thing called love works

She was a young girl
Earning her love in all the wrong ways
Covered her sorrow with straight A's, sugar highs and bitter sweet unlovable guys
Seeking attention with her flashy smile just to hide her sorrow

She was a young girl
Erecting walls to hide behind
Worry and anxiety in case she let her love for him shine
Abandoned and lost to who she was meant to be

One day this young girl
Made a decision to feel the pain, stopped chasing titles and just stayed awhile
No longer a prisoner dragging her chains
She cut away each link over time

No longer trapped like a young girl
She rose to the wise woman calling her name
Those old tapes played but lost their tune
She'd found that love was woven into weakness, beautifully imperfect.

Suffer to Thrive

Dead end posted on Escape Lane
Destination Blvd isn't very beautiful
The darkness on Lighthouse Ave
Disease, fear, loss, and separation
The strobe lights that guide our ships

The waves the perfect height
Salt in our wounds
Expands and heals
We are called to enjoy the ride

Attached to nonattachment
The safety ring thrown overboard
The anchor comes untethered
The weak sink, the strong swim, the empowered float
The content walk, the achievers run, the enlightened are still

The sun still rises
The moon holds back no surprises
Unimpressed by expectations
Suffering in stillness
Thriving through suffering

Ride On

I've been here before
The same old dance to a broken record
A cage of insecurity
The fear of untapped potential

A knight in shining armor
riding on a bridge called Despair
Blessed to be a vessel of divinity
Enslaved to my untapped soul

We repeat what we don't repair
The touch of a button
The fire escape
The trampoline at the bottom awaits

Creativity surmounts
Overthinking ensues
Canceling out intuition
Burning up inside the building

Whip-poor-will Moments

Lying on our back, faces skyward
The stars the grand staff of the Whip-poor-will's melody
The vastness the endless opportunity within reach

Our hunger not fully satiated
Two hours of maternal drumming vibrations
Energy released from ancestors

The $90 Dining Experience
An hour of wine and tastes so complex
Universal simplicities of the Human Condition
Feasted upon, opened and exposed with each bite
Nudging us forward into
The Space, the Gap, the Collective

Judgement teases acceptance
Forgiveness enriches trust
Sweetness dances with bitterness
Togetherness and loneliness intertwined
A large picnic table inviting company
A scratchy lounge chair softened with a friend nearby

The cool air and the cat's sharp teeth bite my leg
Bringing me back to the present
A shooting star exploding
Propelled forward by fear as exhaust
Pain released, closer.

The Waiting Game

The spot line shines
Selfishness center stage
Self-preservation
Maturity sacrificed
Insecurity in what I can provide my off-spring
Needing, loathing, screaming, yearning
Burning desire for more
Desperation and compassion wanting to
Soothe another's suffering
Co-dependent's miserable companion
Depressed, angry, frustrated, confused, impatient
Just waiting
Breathe.

Melt-Off

I hear the stream return to the frozen lake.
My eyes follow the curved and rocky path the water takes.
The sun's rays excite my pupils.
The cool air icing on my ears like a glazed donut.
Harsh times signal a new season
The crumbling and rebuilding of a marriage,
The 35 years of buried abandonment,
Loss of my father, Grandfather, husband, and a brother
But Mother Earth has my back
Compassion for those suffering from attachment
Attachment to substance, highs and lows

The thinning edges of the ice, receding
Soggy ground peeking through
The pathway I walk becomes more apparent
Some edges remain razor sharp, some thick and strong
The sharpened ones prepared to break away
The thick and strong, absorb the shock, resisting despite my efforts to stomp on them

Each day more sunlight hits the layers underneath
Unearthing what's been there, waiting all winter
More absorbent than dormant
Gaining vital substance from the layers weighing them down all winter.
Waiting to expose itself, revitalized.

Let us not forget we are the Earth,
to there we will return.
Experience the growth of each season
Just like Mother Earth
provides a refuge.

Triple D's

I wouldn't wish a deployment upon anyone just as I wouldn't wish death or divorce (triple threat), but for one really twisted aspect, they all are connected. if you know what I mean.  It has been a very refreshing experience living away from the USAF and somewhere I have chosen on my own.  With that being said, I love WF, MT so much that I have to keep fighting that dreaded thought of picking up and relocating next summer.  People don't like to divulge too much about this place because it's that special.  Popular t-shirts that tell people to dualistically "Take a Hike" can be spotted frequently in town.  People are free-spirited; women without make-up, unshaven legs, and bras stepping away from the unwritten confines placed upon them in many other places I've lived.  It very much reminds me of living in Norway which is probably why I'm drawn to this community.  It's small, people are outdoors, and there's always something going on in town.  Civic activities like theater, donation and volunteer driven hiking trails, and supporting local businesses adds to the bolstering pride of the community.  There are no big commercialized businesses, all locally owned mom and pop places.  I have a very leisurely part time job, the kids love their public school and have adjusted well, we are beginning to make friends, and O is taking electric guitar lessons at a non-profit music school.

Despite being in this physical utopia, I'm trying to align the mental and emotional struggles that come with this forced marriage separation.  I've discovered a lot of my true nature apart from my hubs which has been quite a humbling yet much-needed experience.  Our marriage has grown in tremendous ways that I know can only be attributed to some higher power at work.  After spending the last 16 years together, these enlightening moments of marital growth still impress me.  I am constantly in awe of the ways in which life and our love for one another unfolds.  I sit here in this beautiful mountain lake setting, early morning fog spread across the lake, sun cast through the trees, kids all out of the house, sipping on a delicious loose leaf tea, and in this moment can truly say, I am so thankful for the opportunity to be here at this juncture of deployed life.  The irony is that opposing emotions are heightened when allowed to co-exist.  I can be lonely yet embrace learning how to be by myself.  I can feel frustration doing it alone but reap the self-satisfaction of independence.  I can allow the heartache to expand into the space for love, trust, and grace. 

Why Didn't You Tell Me

Why didn’t you tell me that I should invest in cucumber gel eye pads? Don’t forget to add: kleenex, warm fuzzy socks, and a teddy bear to your shopping list.  My tears stream down my cheeks and my nose runs but then it refuses to run and is stopped up. The pressure builds behind my eyes, my body traps the tears and snot, making it difficult to breathe.  My feet wonder aimlessly seeking his warmth.  I toss and turn seeking out his chest to wrap my arm around in bed.  When someone dies deploys you grieve.  I fear it's the next closest thing to dying.  I remember my friend who lost her husband too soon to cancer stating the difficulty she had going through her husband’s clothes.  His smell still on them.  They hang there weighing the hangars down.  

My heart hangs, like a rose past its prime, shriveled up and weepy, dropping petals one by one.  I see his bathroom towel and don’t want to remove it.  I take comfort in resisting; deleting reminders makes it more permanent.  But what about all those ladies that have it far worse?  The pregnant ones, the sick ones, the ones without much money, the ones with loved ones in harms way, or separated for much longer amounts of time, those whose loved ones come back changed physically, mentally, or not at all.  How can I lie in my bed feeling alone in my sorrow when there’s so many of us going through the same or much worse?  I’ll tell you why.  I’m suffering.  My kids are suffering.  We miss that man so much that we do everything we can to avoid feeling the pain of missing him.  We eat too much, drink too much, smoke too much, cry too much, retail therapy too much, schedule too many activities, expect family to understand too much, complain too much, isolate ourselves too much, fake happiness too much.  Running away from pain.  What we really can’t fill is the void that is him.     

What we really need to do is stay a little while with the feelings, exchange this facade of strength for the strength that comes when we face our fear of emotional pain.   Then arise each day, giving thanks for this life of freedom, convenience, health and safety.  

Be aware of the loneliness, frustrations, uncertainties.  Acknowledge the emotion, then let it go.  We need to share our stories with one another.  We need to face fear in the face.  We need to get closer to God.  We need to reach out and help the hurting.

“For it is in giving that we receive.” ― Francis of Assisi 

White Chocolate Chip Mint Ice Cream

I groom the trails of the white blanketed mountain with specks of rocky terrain with the dessert spoon in hand, tasting the sweet cold stuff on my spoon.  Chocolate chips in white mint ice cream take me to that place I long to be.  A place of serenity, hope, and solitude.  This is my time to learn who I am.  Without the chatter and clamber of three young children within my personal space, I succumb to the biochemical high that jousts with the cortisol of the day.  Who am I?  I am a mother, but without my kids, who am I?  I am a wife, but without my husband, who am I?  I am an addict, but without food and codependency, who am I?  I am a personal trainer and athlete, but without exercise, who am I?  I am a daughter, sister, and friend, but without all these people, who am I?  

I use to think that I could arrive at an answer by simply asking the question.  Now I realize that after shining a spotlight on the fleeting permanence of all these things, I can fully appreciate and learn to love who I really am without all these attachments.  

In a quick moment I could see my existence changing course.

Invitation to Health

I never want to forget that just because I'm feeling good doesn't mean I can stop doing what I do on a daily basis to achieve that wellness.  I have come a long way achieving success via doing the right things consistently over time.  Achieving success is a daily process.  I use to be very depressed, anxious, a worry wart, had very uncomfortable bumps on my fingers, and skin irritations on my hands and elbows.  I had pain in my lower abdomen and mucousy stools from time to time.  I had brain fog, inability to concentrate, and my world just seemed dull and confusing.  Here is a letter I wrote to a family member asking for diet advise describing my story.

I am so proud of you first off for taking your health into your own hands.  Secondly, I know how personal food is to people and they take offense easily...sort of like religion, politics, and then there's food.  Food is my passion and I get a little over zealous when I get to share my journey and knowledge with people that are ready to make changes to their health.  I want to eventually combine my love for nutrition and fitness so that I can help more people as both a Nutritional Practioner and CrossFit Coach.  

As you may know by looking at our society, you see a lot of obesity.  This isn't a state of over nourishment but these people are actually suffering from malnutrition.  People believe and trust that when they go to a "grocery store", they can find "foods" to eat.  What we actually have at grocery stores is not food.  It is processed junk in the form of "anti-food".  I would like to see more people turning to their gardens, local farmers, and farmers markets to stock up on what they should be ingesting which is nutrient dense real food.  There are two philosophies that exist which I feel are very worthy of spending your time to educate yourself so that you will ensure life-long health and vitality.  Those are Dr. Cordain and the Paleo Community and the Weston A. Price Foundation (Sally Fellon).  

I thought it would help if I shared my own personal journey with food.  I use to eat a very low fat diet and tons whole grains (the "heart healthy" diet of the 90's) back in the day when that's what "experts" said to do.  I also dappled with a vegetarian diet. I felt horrendous.  I was depressed, had mental fog, and just felt like life was zapping energy away.  I've always battled with an addiction to sugar and still do.  I have skin irritations on my elbows (still exist) because I have an imbalance of candida in my body due to sugar.  When I go without sugar which I have done, my elbows clear up.  What is going on outside of our bodies is a direct reflection of what's going on internally.  After I had Addie, I began to notice some fatty stringy stools on occasion.  I couldn't quite correlate them to anything in particular but I did also have a pain in my lower right side which I had always passed off as an ovarian cyst.  I had it checked out by my OB and she said that there was no cyst, I didn't have a hernia and that maybe I was constipated and that was causing my abnormal stool.  I was always regular so I knew she was full of bologna.  I took it into my own hands to begin a journey of what I believe is listening to your body to find true health.  

I read books like Gut and Psychology Syndrome and found out more about the gut being our second brain and how 90% of our immune system lies in our gut integrity. I learned that you can completely heal your gut with a GAPS diet and have a fresh start (which I have yet to strictly follow).  I do believe that from everything I've heard and read that food is medicine.  I believe that many of our mental illness can be reversed with the proper healing of the intestinal track and a proper diet.

The first thing I did was eliminated gluten.  I did it cold turkey.  I threw/gave everything away in my house that contained gluten in it.  I wasn't up to speed on the Paleo diet at first so I still was buying things labeled "gluten free" even though they were highly processed and loaded with sugars.  I was able to quit the typical "American" habit of eating bread or pasta with every meal and began to create a habit of not ever having bread.  It took a good year but the bread habit is completely gone and so is the pain in my lower abdomen and no more stringy stools. I do remember going through a withdrawal period the first time where I just felt REALLY depressed for a couple days and I could tell it was my body's way of saying good bye to the toxic/highly irritating and allergenic foods I had been living with for the last 30 years of my life.  About 2 or 3 months afterwards came the true test of how my body despised gluten and that was after having a weak moment (which made a lasting impression of why I needed to be gluten free) where I went from being completely gluten free for those couple months and then ate 2 pieces of Papa John's Pizza.  I was sicker than a dog for 2 days afterwards.  I felt like I had the flu, was achy and was on the toilet having diarrhea and stomach pains until it passed.  After 3 years of eating primarily gluten free and unprocessed foods I can more easily tolerate small amounts of gluten if I now eat it.

Not long after my gluten free period, I ran into the Paleo Diet (although advocates don't like to associate the word "diet" with Paleo as it is something lasting, not a fad or a trial that you won't be able to sustain long-term) and tried it for 30 days.  That's when all the puzzle pieces began to fit for me.  I learned the true meaning of eating from the perimeter of the grocery store and I bought a 1/2 of a local grass fed steer for the freezer.  Sometimes the grocery bill is steep, but it's a price I choose to pay for now rather than later.  In addition to avoiding gluten, with Paleo, I felt even better eliminating dairy in addition to other grains and legumes that caused bloating and gut irritation and I found myself eating more vegetables because I wasn't loading up on grains.

This lifestyle change happened at a crucial point in my life; while I was in the throws of mothering two young children and getting ready to conceive number three. I have found that when the following is in order/prioritized my well-being is optimized.  

1.  Sleep: 7.5 - 8 hrs, not always possible with the kiddos' night-time wakings but sleep effects everything; hormones which effect appetite which effects energy which effects outlook on life and ability to perform the long hours of the mom/wife job.  I can't always control the night time wakings but I can control what time I go to bed at night.  I try hard to get to bed as closely to lying my kids down at night as possible which is early because it doesn't matter to them what time they go down, they always wake up early.

2.  Water:  Since I can't always control sleep, I can control how much water I drink. I usually find that when I think I'm hungry, it's usually that I'm under-stimulated (you know that 100th round of ABC's or the 50th time of playing Candy Land or Peek-a-boo sometimes is...yawn, very important but you know what I mean) ,sleepy, or thirsty.

3.  Eat right:  Eat meat & vegetables, nuts & seeds, some fruit, little starch, and NO SUGAR.  Your primary focus on eating should not be about calorie control but the effect of the food on your hormones (insulin levels).  I also take a high quality fish oil (not all are created equal) supplement. 

4.  Move your body

5.  Pray/Meditate

When I eat Paleo (aim is for 80% of the time but note that I'm far from perfect and have moments of weakness) I am a glowing image of health from my skin, to my mental health, to my energy, to my sex drive.  I rarely get sick and don't have post nasal drip like I did in the past.  I feel vibrant and alive and look forward to carrying this high quality of life on through later adulthood.

I wish you the same vitality as you begin your journey into finding optimum wellness.  I am always here as a resource if you need anything or have questions. I would love to find an answer or help steer you in the right direction if needed.

A Day in the Life of My Emotions as a Stay at Home Mom

I am refreshed.  I fell asleep at 7:30PM last night to be wide awake at 3:30AM.  I love my time.  It's before everyone is awake and I get single, uninterrupted, and focused time doing me things.  Like reading, writing, planning schedules, prepping for the day, drinking coffee, meditating, praying, breathing without any noise or interruption.  I'm so thankful for a fresh start every day.

I am frustrated, angry, and impatient.  My children don't move as fast as I want them to.  It takes them hearing me raise my voice to a level we all get uncomfortable with for them to respond.  But that's not working so I'll try spankings.  Next time.  Failure.  Stressed.

I am joyed.

I am bored.  I wish I could just replace my dying batteries most days as I sing "roll it and pat it" with a try-to-pretend-I'm-happy smile on my face because singing Pat-a-cake stone faced just doesn't work.  She looks back at me with her beautiful brown eyes and chubby cheeked smile and the notes slides off my tongue as I find the juice to sing Pat-a-cake one more time on cue to her sign for "more".  I wipe the sticky syrup off her tray and hands and unbuckle her nasty high chair buckle that's been sealed with more food concoctions than the garbage disposal has seen.  I notice that she has pancake stuck to her pj's but it flows into getting dressed for the day and for this moment of ease of flow of events I am thankful.

I am lonely.  She is asleep and I've not yet hit my wall.  That will come at 2:30 when I have all three children home.  For now I just write so that I can share my inner dialogue with someone without having to leave my home, clean up my home, or think about what's for dinner.  Sometimes I just nibble on some peanut butter m&m's that I should not have bought and then reach for one more and it's gone. Gone like my husband.  Again.  I am lonely.

I am tired.

Hammock

I crave your touch, your tongue, your hair
Silent and starving, I drown in your oceanic blue eyes
Pausing under the protection of your canopy of lashes

The metronome of beats from your chest
Move the blood through my emptiness
I am sustained with the sway of movement as one

Sunbeams tease as they come and go
Shadows and light dancing
Apprehension hanging in the hammock
Expanding it's limits

The sovereign nose of your arrogant body
Asserting your strength as you lead me
Down a treacherous path
To this place I've never been before.

Snapping Twigs

Today I was very lonely.  I wanted to drink coffee to get a buzz so that I’d feel more motivated to do something other than sit and feel sorry for myself.  Instead, I sat outside barefoot in the sun on a beach chair with my 20-month old at my feet, collecting twigs that had fallen from a towering tree overhead.  We snapped those little twigs for a solid 20 minutes.  Listening to the crackling sounds they made was very therapeutic.  My hands were happy to be occupied by such a primitive movement.  I envisioned myself as a tribal woman with an important mission to prepare my clan’s next meal.  Thanks (or not so much) to industrialized life, I don’t even have to worry about the electronic payment of my bill from the electricity I will use to cook my dinner tonight.  “Snap!” “Cluck!” my 20-month old clicks her tongue after each snap, trying to recreate the sound of the crack.  This mundane and repetitive experience was almost like popping bubble wrap but not as annoying.  She was excited for the sensual experience, I was releasing loneliness.

Observation - My Child

We are our habits.  I watch her pick up pens and markers and hold as many as she can fit in her hands.  She is turning twisting lids, pushing the spring end of the pen, tapping the markers as drum sticks on the plastic kiddie table.  Snot drips from her nose as she stands one-legged with her multi-colored baby legs crossed exposing her chubby feet and toes.  Pulls open a drawer and deposits the explored markers inside to feel something novel: two paintbrushes.  Takes them to the artist easel and paints - gliding invisible paint slippery on the whiteboard.  Her brushes drop to the floor and she squats down retrieving them only to bump her head on the easel frame before standing back up.  Back to the treasure chest-like drawer (she can only reach and feel her way around it but not clearly see what's contained inside),  paint brushes retire, grabs her favorite two markers back out and heads back to create, closing the drawer, as an observant astute student, the same way she found it.  Facing me, smiling and chit chatting in immature baby consonants.  Telling me all about her explorations.  Rolling markers in between her two hands...so many fun things to do with markers.  Does God smile down and observe me in the same way?  A loving parent observing my daily contrived motions.  Patient.  Heart filled with joy.  Waiting, listening, arms wide-open.

Be more Deliberate about life.  Be Intentional.

Carry Him Safely

A grey covering looms above

The sky's particles barely clinging to each other

Snow patches from a recent fall lay in between the trees

The branches are still

Even the birds choose to seek shelter

The silence of winter

But inside hurricane thoughts swirl uncontrollably 

The impending transition squeezes her heart like a sponge too heavy with water until

The last drop falls 

She feels the gentle nudge against her left side;

his hand or maybe one of his tiny toes

This place is an early glimpse of heaven

The beginning and the end

She would give anything to have him look into her eyes

To show him his daddy's eyes

To carry him safely and securely inside until it was her last breath

But God already called his name

God already promised us that He has better plans.

For when the snow melts

and the tears fill up the rivers and lakes

The clouds recede 

And He offers us new hope.

In honor and loving memory of my nephew Tucker - until we meet again

We love you!

Lavendar Tiger

I peel labels thinking of you
No matter the hue in the sky
Thoughts consumed until I die
Of a taste I only briefly knew

Call me a second class citizen
But don't call me Tiger
Unless you are ready
To see the marks of this tantric love affair

The lavender embrace burns inside
Peeling off layers of imperfection
Exposed

How far we fall is out of our control
To experience something
But not for nothing of what could
Be my everything

No risk too adverse
But the effects too risky
So for today
I peel labels thinking of you